noirenewyork | "Cause with you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you I'm out it..."

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"Cause with you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you I'm out it..."

Who? Greg Kent and Xavier Carlisle
What? Secrets come out
When? After Xav's chat with Seamus
Where? The Carlisle/Kent estate

Greg had to be honest and admit to himself that he was still recovering from what he'd seen with Luka and Seamus. It was just too close to home, and while he hadn't struggled with anything like PTSD or depression before meeting Xavier, he was all too familiar with the feeling of being in love with someone who was Kindred and not being able to be with them. He could remember the feeling of panic and loneliness and just being lost that had set in when Xavier had walked away from him. Greg couldn't remember a time in his life that he'd ever felt so much like his life was falling apart. He'd always been so organized, so put together. It was necessary in a world like his, where he'd carried on highly illegal activities while also working a completely legitimate job. But once Xavier had stepped out of his life, coming up with a million excuses that ended up making Greg feel like a dirty pair of socks, it had taken its toll, to the point that Greg started slowly losing his shit.

Those days were far behind them, and Greg had never shared them with his lover, because the last thing he wanted was to see the feelings of heartbreak and guilt painted on his face the way they had been on Seamus's when he'd realized that Luka's attempt at taking his life was directly related to him. But now, with everything once again at the forefront of his mind, a part of him was telling him that he had no choice but to tell Xavier the truth. In any relationship, especially a mated partnership as theirs was, it was vital that secrets not be kept anymore than absolutely necessary, and Greg felt that he owed it to his mate, his lover, and the only person to know him so completely, to tell him the last piece of the story.

He just hadn't been quite ready to tell him just now, but when Xav walked into their bedroom, where Greg was lying in bed, trying to read a magazine, and failing completely, he knew that this was the time. The sooner, the better.

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The morning had almost come upon them and Xavier was feeling the exhaustion inside. Normally, he wouldn't let himself get to this point, but he had been pulled in all different directions lately, and with two mortals under the care of two of his Toreadors, he had to stay attuned to everything going on. But the manor had always been somewhere people could be taken care of. There was absolutely no question that Luka would now stay here with them, and share Seamus' bed. That pair had much they needed to talk through and discuss, but it would wait until Luka was feeling better. Xavier had just checked in on them and Luka was once again being violently sick. Hangovers weren't something Xavier would remember, but he knew they were harsh on a mortal body. But Seamus was with him and Wesley was keeping a close watch on the boy. For now, Xavier would rest.

It hadn't escaped his notice how quiet Greg had been since the ordeal with Luka. Seamus had gone to Greg for help in Xavier's absence, and it was something Xavier was very relieved of. But he knew it had to have brought a lot of their own past back. He didn't say anything at first. He just shed his clothing, draping them neatly over the back of the armchair by the window and was naked as he slipped into the bed beside his mate. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Greg's forehead. "Now we must talk, my love."

There was no question that Greg was tired, too, and it was tempting just to curl up into Xavier's arms and go to sleep instead of spilling his guts about everything instead. But that wasn't fair on Xavier, and the truth was, having this brought up again after so long was no simple thing for him to face, and it was far better to tell his lover what was going on now instead of hiding it from him and having him know that something was wrong without being able to help him. The soul mate connection in itself had made them attuned to each other's emotions, but being mates had strengthened that to the point that Greg felt sometimes like Xav could read his mind. It wasn't quite that level, but damn close. He put the magazine aside when Xavier kissed his forehead, and turned a bit in bed to pull his lover back in for a deep kiss on the lips. "Are you sure we can't just go to sleep and not talk about it?" he asked, only half-joking, and without any humor behind the comment, either.

"How's Luka feeling?" he asked, still trying to delay the conversation a little bit longer. How did he begin to tell his lover something that had happened so damn long ago, and that he should've known about for a long time now? "Probably awfully hungover, right? At least he's with Seamus now. That'll help more than anything."

"I am sure," Xavier responded, a hint of firm insistence in his voice, but his tone otherwise soft and tender. "Restless unrest will only put your control at risk and I know you do not need to end up in an unwanted frenzy right now. None of us need to go through that. This is where we deal with it before it gets out of hand." He shifted in the bed, reaching behind him to fluff up the pillows so he could settled into a place he was content. Luka had been introduced to Skye, who was more than willing to help out with the mortals in their care whilst the Kindred would rest during the daylight hours. As much as it could be a pain in the backside, you couldn't stir a Kindred from a daytime sleep like you could rouse a human. It was undead sleep, somewhat like a coma which mimicked death. They were useless during the day, which was, unfortunately, one of the cursed sides of their existence.

He nodded with a faint, wry smile. "Very ill. Drained from the blood loss. Seamus is with him, and Skye will be close during the day. However, I do believe Luka is just going to sleep along with Seamus. He needs to rest and Seamus is proving to have that calming effect over him. Likewise to Seamus being much more in control for now. Are you okay?"

Lying in bed next to his mate, both of them completely naked, would ordinarily bring out a playful side to Greg, but there was none of that here right now. Greg didn't have the energy to go with the usual flirty nature that came out around his mate. Instead, he turned so that his hand could rest on Xavier's chest, and looked up into his lover's eyes. There was something so soothing about Xavier's presence when Greg was restless, and he took comfort lying so close to him. "It was... It was just hard to see the poor kid like that. And Seamus was falling apart. I've never felt fear like that coming from him. Xav, he was terrified, and he... he felt it. I've never been more sure of the soul mate connection between them. Not only because I understand where Seamus is coming from, either."

He was glad to hear that Seamus's presence was calming Luka, and he nodded quietly until Xavier asked him if he was okay. It was sort of an unexpected thing to add onto the end of talking about Luka, and Greg started to just give a blase affirmative, but he couldn't. Xavier knew he wasn't okay, but he was giving Greg the opportunity to talk to him about it, and Greg knew deep down that he had to. "No, babe. No, I'm not really okay," he explained, his voice weak with emotion that he was trying to keep under control.

"It is not often we are touched directly by a mortal who is suffering with their own emotions. We have many around us, of course we do, but it is a very different set of coping mechanisms when you or someone you care about it also involved. Luka is oblivious to the world he has accidentally stumbled into attempting to resume a closeness to his best friend who is like a brother to him. He is oblivious to our struggles, our coping mechanism, to the fact we sense his pain when, for so long, he has felt he had to shoulder it all himself. We cannot expect him to just understand our world and how we are built, in the very same sense we cannot expect to assume what his inner battles are because we do not understand his situation. Yes, he is hurting. Very, very much, and whether we like it or not, that is going to have a domino effect on all of us because were interlinked to Jett," Xavier explained, trying to put a spin on all of this so Greg could have what he needed to try to work his way through it.

He paused, meet Greg's gaze. "But do not for a minute think it has escaped my attention that you have been in Luka's position in the past, my darling. I have been busy, I know, but I have not been oblivious to the situation and all its impact. But I also knew you have an inner strength from what you faced so that you could wait until Seamus was okay. You can talk to me about what you are feeling."

His head nestled gently against Xavier's shoulder, Greg listened very carefully to everything Xav was saying. It was all important, and he needed a few moments to internalize everything before he was going to be ready to explain everything to his mate. "It was overwhelming when I walked into the hotel room," he admitted. "Even more than the smell of his blood or the booze. The whole room just... it felt like pain. But more than that, it felt like a familiar pain... Like something I felt once before myself. And..." he paused there, still struggling with the feelings that had long been buried, lost in the happiness that finally being with Xavier had brought him. It would never fully be forgotten, though, no matter how much happiness he had now.

Greg was fighting the urge to just put aside those feelings and try to forget about them again, but that just wasn't the right thing to do. Now that they'd been reawakened inside him, it was clear that Xavier needed to know about them, if only because they were mates. He was quiet for a moment or two more before he spoke, and when he did, he was struggling to make eye contact with Xavier, something that was extremely uncommon for Greg. "I know what Luka was feeling because I tried to hurt myself once, too. I... I never told you, because I didn't want you to feel badly about it, but I did. It's the only time I ever used the shit that I sold at the time. I did a ton of coke and drank myself stupid, and... Xav, I had a gun in my hand and put it to my head, and literally passed out from the drugs and booze just before I could pull the trigger. And I did it because all I could feel was that I had to keep living in a world that didn't have you, and without you, it just wasn't fucking worth it."

Xavier would be lying if he hadn't wondered about this for many years. He understood in the wake of all of it that Greg would naturally have suffered his own torment. But at the time, Xavier had been working so hard not to lose control. Being out of Greg's presence seemed like it would reduce any potential danger of him losing control and harming him, but he hadn't had much knowledge of a soul bond or even witnessed one at play to know that the separation could be just as dangerous as the unity. Perhaps even moreso. He had kept separating himself from Greg. Making excuses why they couldn't spend more time together, travelling so he was away. For a time, they had always reunited. Xavier had always come back. Until the day he lost control and drained Greg, almost killing him which would have led to reactionary Embracing. It had terrified Xavier, and he hadn't understood it. He thought the best action was to part from Greg permanently and he even put his estate up for sale at the time.

As always, hindsight was always crystal clear. "I would apologise over and over again, darling, if I was truly regretful of my actions back then. But I cannot be. I was trying to do what I honestly felt was the safest option for you. I was a danger to you, and I lacked the knowledge of the enormity of what we were dealing with. I was not young or naive in any sense, but I had never known true love. Whilst a wonderful thing when you find it, it can also cloud your judgement, confuse you, engulf you. It had been so, so long since I was human and my mortal was so very different to modern day. I lacked an empathy of the burdens a mortal like yourself could be under. I made vital errors back then, and I do wish I could go back and dilute the pain you felt. But one of the hardest parts of being a Kindred elder that many fail to understand is that... I lack having someone there to guide me. All my mistakes, they are my own."

There were no words to describe the level of pain that Greg had gone through in losing Xavier, time after time. His friends at the time had thought that Xavier was using Greg, or that he clearly had another lover somewhere that he was focused on. He could remember hearing every story in the book from people he knew back then, about cheating men, or men who used people for sex, and then left them, but Greg had known that wasn't true. He'd never understood why at the time, but he had known without any doubt that Xavier loved him. Because no matter how hard he'd tried to leave, Xavier had always come back to him, and what they shared was one of the most passionate romances Greg could've ever imagined. When Xavier made love to him, it was absolutely clear to Greg that he loved him. What they shared wasn't just sex, it was a connection beyond any Greg had ever felt before, and it was worth risking everything to him.

Until Xavier had left him again, and this time with such an air of finality that Greg was sure he was never coming back. It was honestly a miracle in itself that Greg had passed out when he did, or their story might have ended quite differently. "You know something, baby?" Greg murmured softly, pressing a gentle kiss to Xavier's bare shoulder. "Even when you left me, a part of me always knew you loved me. I just couldn't understand why you couldn't stay with me. I had no idea what I was dealing with, and you weren't to know that what you were feeling would be just as strong with me, too, if not more so because I didn't even know what you were. All I knew back then was that being without you was a pain I couldn't live with, and that the moment you were with me again... touching me and holding me and making love to me... all that pain was gone and I felt happy again. When you left, and made it so clear to me that it was the last time, that you had to put aside our relationship for good... I thought I'd never know what happiness felt like again, and that feeling just... it swallowed me up. I couldn't see any other way out, and I wanted to die." His eyes met Xavier's, as he thought it all over. "I don't fault you for how you handled it, my love. You had no idea what it was you were dealing with, and as you said... At your age, there was no one close by who was older than you. No one to guide you on the best way to handle it. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. I'm just glad that you told me the truth, because losing you permanently would've destroyed me."

"I used to wish we never met," Xavier admitted quietly. It wasn't something he was proud of, and now enough time had passed that he had been able to forgive himself for it. But it was the whole truth, because he had convinced himself back then that things just would have been easier and safer. Greg wouldn't have been inflicted with the heartache of thinking Xavier didn't want him. "It was why I really wanted to be able to reach out to Seamus with all this and guide him with what he could be thinking and feeling, and how important it is to at least try to let natural instinct have the reigns on some level. That is, of course, not what I wish any longer, but back then, I had much to learn. I have a lot of knowledge, yes, but not of that. I did not understand what my own torment was. It did not occur to me, not even remotely. I just had no wish to lose control with you and harm you. None of it is an easy thing to look back on, I understand, but I do not think I would have done it any differently had I had another chance."

He glanced at the door of their large bedroom, thinking quietly for a few moments. "It is why I took decades to consider mating. It did take a lot of time for me to learn about a soul link, and to understand it. My life has just been having the luxury of time. I know how serious it all can be now, and I am ashamed I did not realise what a risk Luka could be at. I feel I have failed on many levels. Not just with you in the past, but perhaps here in the future when I should have known better," he lamented quietly.

"I can't say I ever wished that," Greg explained. "But sometimes I wondered why we did if you couldn't stay with me. It just felt like some cruel trick that life was playing on me, taking away the only person that I had ever been in love with. When I was with you, I was the happiest I'd ever been, and every time you left me, it was like you tore my whole world apart again." He was quiet for a moment, and then realized how that probably sounded, and stopped that train of thought. "I don't mean to sound like an asshole, and I know now why you did what you did. I don't blame you for it, because I know you were doing the best you could to keep me safe. You've always put your heart and soul into that, even when it hurt you. I just didn't know how to explain to you what I was feeling, and I started thinking I was just going crazy and maybe I should get over it. In the end, though, even with all of that pain, I think in the end, it made what we have now even more beautiful to me." He never tired of being near Xavier, even when things were hard... perhaps especially when things were hard, because he needed his lover more than ever in those times.

Greg was listening quietly. He would never not listen when his mate was speaking, because their connection was that special and treasured to him that anything Xavier felt the need to talk about was important to Greg. "Baby, you can't blame yourself, though. There's only so much you can do in a situation, and you've done the very best you can with the knowledge you've had at any given time." He shifted to lean over Xavier, one hand on either side of his mate to hold him up as he met Xavier's gaze. "And speaking of knowledge... Are you upset that I didn't tell you about... everything? From before?"

Xavier entwined his fingers with Greg's and for a couple of moments, the enormity of everything going on around them felt like it was sitting heavily on his shoulders. It almost felt like it was outwith his level of control and so much was open-ended and even more bearing on the lives of mortals. Never before had they been this invested in mortals beyond Vessels. It was hard to be constantly aware of how fragile a mortal life was after living an undead one for so long. "I would not have known any different even if you did, darling. I did not know what it was. I would have just assumed it was you getting too addicted to my Presence. Which would have made me stop coming back to you at all. I had never invited a human into my world before you. Not to that level. I was ill-equipped and I made errors. I know that, and it vastly hurts to hear the consequences of them. I am sorry."

"I just wish the boy could find some peace. His sadness emanates off him. He wished to be Embraced so he did not lose the only person in the world that matters to him. Just a short while later, you and Seamus may not have found him still alive." He had always cared deeply about the people that mattered to him. He had been a protector for so long, he was just used to the role now. He did know a lot of this was out of his hands, and that was a little frustrating that he couldn't help more. All he could do was guide Seamus. "No... I am not upset. If I was, I would be a hypocrite, as there is something I have not been entirely forthcoming with you about. If only because it was not of dire importance. Albeit, just reactionary."

The smallest of links between them sometimes meant more than Greg could explain, and this was no exception. This was one of the hardest conversations they'd ever had, but even in the midst of dealing with very difficult things, their bond as mates only seemed to strengthen. He curled up even closer to Xavier, needing the connection of their bodies together. Their life together was something Greg wouldn't trade anything for, even though it had been born of some of the most difficult circumstances of his life. He wouldn't take any of it back now, because it was what had brought them together in the end. "How were you to know?" Greg mused. "You had never been in such a situation, and you were blocking me quite firmly at the time... as you said, to protect me. After that night, I think it was only a few more nights that you came to me again and drained me. We were always fated to be together... I'm just glad we managed not to fuck it up."

"When we walked into the room, his pain was so thick in the air it was nearly suffocating, and Seamus was heartbroken. It took every ounce of his control not to frenzy, and for that, I must commend him. He is older than I, but still young by comparison to many of our Kind, even here in the City. I was duly impressed by his level of control, and grateful for Luka's sake, as well." The statement from Xavier, though, caught Greg a bit by surprise, and he tilted his head in question at his beloved. "What... What are you talking about?" he asked softly, his eyes meeting Xavier's in question.

Xavier shook his head. "I had not. I do still carrying with me a lot of guilt over draining you. Unfortunately, that remains with you forever when you drain your soul mate. But it also instils the bond between you. Had you not come back Embrace and into my presence, I would probably have been driven to a level of insanity or danger, and ended myself."

"Seamus has a commendable level of control, much higher than many of us. He always has. It was why it was so easy to resume the role of Sire with him. It is also why I knew exactly what I was witnessing when he first saw Luka at Knightshead Tower. There was no mistaken what it was, even if we did try to take into account all of the possible alternative." His eyes soften with apology as the met Greg's. "Trystan's Embrace. I know it was horrific for you, I watched it. It was never not going to be an horrific experience for you to turn him. But you do not remember the wake of it. I took those memories from you, my love. It was purely instinctive when I saw you in pain. Feeding from a dying person, you were so very ill for days. You reverted almost back to looking like a corpse, and it drained every ounce of strength from you. I did not want you to remember the agony. I wanted you to look back on your Embrace of him and remember why you did it, not what it did to you."

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