noirenewyork | "Cause with you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you I'm out it..."

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"Cause with you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you I'm out it..."

Who? Greg Kent and Xavier Carlisle
What? Secrets come out
When? After Xav's chat with Seamus
Where? The Carlisle/Kent estate

Greg had to be honest and admit to himself that he was still recovering from what he'd seen with Luka and Seamus. It was just too close to home, and while he hadn't struggled with anything like PTSD or depression before meeting Xavier, he was all too familiar with the feeling of being in love with someone who was Kindred and not being able to be with them. He could remember the feeling of panic and loneliness and just being lost that had set in when Xavier had walked away from him. Greg couldn't remember a time in his life that he'd ever felt so much like his life was falling apart. He'd always been so organized, so put together. It was necessary in a world like his, where he'd carried on highly illegal activities while also working a completely legitimate job. But once Xavier had stepped out of his life, coming up with a million excuses that ended up making Greg feel like a dirty pair of socks, it had taken its toll, to the point that Greg started slowly losing his shit.

Those days were far behind them, and Greg had never shared them with his lover, because the last thing he wanted was to see the feelings of heartbreak and guilt painted on his face the way they had been on Seamus's when he'd realized that Luka's attempt at taking his life was directly related to him. But now, with everything once again at the forefront of his mind, a part of him was telling him that he had no choice but to tell Xavier the truth. In any relationship, especially a mated partnership as theirs was, it was vital that secrets not be kept anymore than absolutely necessary, and Greg felt that he owed it to his mate, his lover, and the only person to know him so completely, to tell him the last piece of the story.

He just hadn't been quite ready to tell him just now, but when Xav walked into their bedroom, where Greg was lying in bed, trying to read a magazine, and failing completely, he knew that this was the time. The sooner, the better.

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There were no words to describe the level of pain that Greg had gone through in losing Xavier, time after time. His friends at the time had thought that Xavier was using Greg, or that he clearly had another lover somewhere that he was focused on. He could remember hearing every story in the book from people he knew back then, about cheating men, or men who used people for sex, and then left them, but Greg had known that wasn't true. He'd never understood why at the time, but he had known without any doubt that Xavier loved him. Because no matter how hard he'd tried to leave, Xavier had always come back to him, and what they shared was one of the most passionate romances Greg could've ever imagined. When Xavier made love to him, it was absolutely clear to Greg that he loved him. What they shared wasn't just sex, it was a connection beyond any Greg had ever felt before, and it was worth risking everything to him.

Until Xavier had left him again, and this time with such an air of finality that Greg was sure he was never coming back. It was honestly a miracle in itself that Greg had passed out when he did, or their story might have ended quite differently. "You know something, baby?" Greg murmured softly, pressing a gentle kiss to Xavier's bare shoulder. "Even when you left me, a part of me always knew you loved me. I just couldn't understand why you couldn't stay with me. I had no idea what I was dealing with, and you weren't to know that what you were feeling would be just as strong with me, too, if not more so because I didn't even know what you were. All I knew back then was that being without you was a pain I couldn't live with, and that the moment you were with me again... touching me and holding me and making love to me... all that pain was gone and I felt happy again. When you left, and made it so clear to me that it was the last time, that you had to put aside our relationship for good... I thought I'd never know what happiness felt like again, and that feeling just... it swallowed me up. I couldn't see any other way out, and I wanted to die." His eyes met Xavier's, as he thought it all over. "I don't fault you for how you handled it, my love. You had no idea what it was you were dealing with, and as you said... At your age, there was no one close by who was older than you. No one to guide you on the best way to handle it. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. I'm just glad that you told me the truth, because losing you permanently would've destroyed me."

"I used to wish we never met," Xavier admitted quietly. It wasn't something he was proud of, and now enough time had passed that he had been able to forgive himself for it. But it was the whole truth, because he had convinced himself back then that things just would have been easier and safer. Greg wouldn't have been inflicted with the heartache of thinking Xavier didn't want him. "It was why I really wanted to be able to reach out to Seamus with all this and guide him with what he could be thinking and feeling, and how important it is to at least try to let natural instinct have the reigns on some level. That is, of course, not what I wish any longer, but back then, I had much to learn. I have a lot of knowledge, yes, but not of that. I did not understand what my own torment was. It did not occur to me, not even remotely. I just had no wish to lose control with you and harm you. None of it is an easy thing to look back on, I understand, but I do not think I would have done it any differently had I had another chance."

He glanced at the door of their large bedroom, thinking quietly for a few moments. "It is why I took decades to consider mating. It did take a lot of time for me to learn about a soul link, and to understand it. My life has just been having the luxury of time. I know how serious it all can be now, and I am ashamed I did not realise what a risk Luka could be at. I feel I have failed on many levels. Not just with you in the past, but perhaps here in the future when I should have known better," he lamented quietly.

"I can't say I ever wished that," Greg explained. "But sometimes I wondered why we did if you couldn't stay with me. It just felt like some cruel trick that life was playing on me, taking away the only person that I had ever been in love with. When I was with you, I was the happiest I'd ever been, and every time you left me, it was like you tore my whole world apart again." He was quiet for a moment, and then realized how that probably sounded, and stopped that train of thought. "I don't mean to sound like an asshole, and I know now why you did what you did. I don't blame you for it, because I know you were doing the best you could to keep me safe. You've always put your heart and soul into that, even when it hurt you. I just didn't know how to explain to you what I was feeling, and I started thinking I was just going crazy and maybe I should get over it. In the end, though, even with all of that pain, I think in the end, it made what we have now even more beautiful to me." He never tired of being near Xavier, even when things were hard... perhaps especially when things were hard, because he needed his lover more than ever in those times.

Greg was listening quietly. He would never not listen when his mate was speaking, because their connection was that special and treasured to him that anything Xavier felt the need to talk about was important to Greg. "Baby, you can't blame yourself, though. There's only so much you can do in a situation, and you've done the very best you can with the knowledge you've had at any given time." He shifted to lean over Xavier, one hand on either side of his mate to hold him up as he met Xavier's gaze. "And speaking of knowledge... Are you upset that I didn't tell you about... everything? From before?"

Xavier entwined his fingers with Greg's and for a couple of moments, the enormity of everything going on around them felt like it was sitting heavily on his shoulders. It almost felt like it was outwith his level of control and so much was open-ended and even more bearing on the lives of mortals. Never before had they been this invested in mortals beyond Vessels. It was hard to be constantly aware of how fragile a mortal life was after living an undead one for so long. "I would not have known any different even if you did, darling. I did not know what it was. I would have just assumed it was you getting too addicted to my Presence. Which would have made me stop coming back to you at all. I had never invited a human into my world before you. Not to that level. I was ill-equipped and I made errors. I know that, and it vastly hurts to hear the consequences of them. I am sorry."

"I just wish the boy could find some peace. His sadness emanates off him. He wished to be Embraced so he did not lose the only person in the world that matters to him. Just a short while later, you and Seamus may not have found him still alive." He had always cared deeply about the people that mattered to him. He had been a protector for so long, he was just used to the role now. He did know a lot of this was out of his hands, and that was a little frustrating that he couldn't help more. All he could do was guide Seamus. "No... I am not upset. If I was, I would be a hypocrite, as there is something I have not been entirely forthcoming with you about. If only because it was not of dire importance. Albeit, just reactionary."

The smallest of links between them sometimes meant more than Greg could explain, and this was no exception. This was one of the hardest conversations they'd ever had, but even in the midst of dealing with very difficult things, their bond as mates only seemed to strengthen. He curled up even closer to Xavier, needing the connection of their bodies together. Their life together was something Greg wouldn't trade anything for, even though it had been born of some of the most difficult circumstances of his life. He wouldn't take any of it back now, because it was what had brought them together in the end. "How were you to know?" Greg mused. "You had never been in such a situation, and you were blocking me quite firmly at the time... as you said, to protect me. After that night, I think it was only a few more nights that you came to me again and drained me. We were always fated to be together... I'm just glad we managed not to fuck it up."

"When we walked into the room, his pain was so thick in the air it was nearly suffocating, and Seamus was heartbroken. It took every ounce of his control not to frenzy, and for that, I must commend him. He is older than I, but still young by comparison to many of our Kind, even here in the City. I was duly impressed by his level of control, and grateful for Luka's sake, as well." The statement from Xavier, though, caught Greg a bit by surprise, and he tilted his head in question at his beloved. "What... What are you talking about?" he asked softly, his eyes meeting Xavier's in question.

Xavier shook his head. "I had not. I do still carrying with me a lot of guilt over draining you. Unfortunately, that remains with you forever when you drain your soul mate. But it also instils the bond between you. Had you not come back Embrace and into my presence, I would probably have been driven to a level of insanity or danger, and ended myself."

"Seamus has a commendable level of control, much higher than many of us. He always has. It was why it was so easy to resume the role of Sire with him. It is also why I knew exactly what I was witnessing when he first saw Luka at Knightshead Tower. There was no mistaken what it was, even if we did try to take into account all of the possible alternative." His eyes soften with apology as the met Greg's. "Trystan's Embrace. I know it was horrific for you, I watched it. It was never not going to be an horrific experience for you to turn him. But you do not remember the wake of it. I took those memories from you, my love. It was purely instinctive when I saw you in pain. Feeding from a dying person, you were so very ill for days. You reverted almost back to looking like a corpse, and it drained every ounce of strength from you. I did not want you to remember the agony. I wanted you to look back on your Embrace of him and remember why you did it, not what it did to you."

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